Beaver’s Pond Press (2010)
ISBN 9781592983087
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD, for Reader Views (03/10)

Today, Tyler R. Tichelaar of Reader Views is pleased to interview Judy Strong, who is here to talk about her important new book “A Child’s Grief: Surviving the Death of a Parent.”

Judy Strong grew up in Waterford, Wisconsin. Her immediate family included her mother and a younger brother, with a large extended family close by. Judy holds a BA degree and has taught preschool through grade 12. Other work experience includes inventory and quality control in art publishing.

“No Time to Grieve: A Survivor’s Guide to Loss and Healing,” Judy’s first published book, began as a journal, following the death of her husband. A reference and guide book, it takes readers through the practical and emotional steps of early bereavement, and was a 2005 Writers Notes Book Award.

Judy’s current work and associations include membership in the Society of Southwestern Authors, the National Association of Women Writers, Cambridge Who’s Who, and the Scottsdale Society of Women Writers. As a contributor as expert author to Ezinearticles.com, Judy’s articles appear on numerous websites. She also gives radio interviews and speaks on various issues of grief and loss. Volunteer work includes sewing for AZ Blankets for Kids and involvement in church activities. Judy is founder of Strong Communications LLC, an online business that offers education and support to those experiencing grief, loss, and adversity.

Tyler:  Welcome, Judy. I’m really interested to talk to you today. I can’t imagine too many more important and difficult topics than what your book covers. I understand this topic is very close to you because you lost your own husband. Can you tell us about how that loss happened and how it affected you and your children?

Judy:  My husband had rheumatoid arthritis for many years and had several corrective surgeries, including both knee replacements. When he began to have pain again, his doctor scheduled another knee surgery, but everything changed when he went into surgery. He experienced a heart episode, had angioplasty, then he became partially paralyzed, and finally had a series of strokes that left him brain damaged. He died 5 ½ weeks after entering the hospital. We were completely unprepared emotionally for his death. We were worn out, in shock, and feeling deep grief.

Tyler:  Judy, how did you find balance between your own grief and focusing on your children’s grief?

Judy:  At first, everything blended together. I needed to bind up wounds for all, stabilize the family, and help us to face life without him. I encouraged the children, who were at various stages of growing up and becoming independent, to continue their lives and pursue their education and career goals. They grieved their father’s loss by talking about all the ways he impacted their lives, and emulating the values he instilled in them.

My life, however, changed drastically. The mourning process for me was diminished by becoming a bread winner and a single parent, and having to solve problems and manage legal and financial issues. I finally joined a grief group that helped me clarify the personal and emotional loss that had taken place.

Tyler:  What made you transition simply from your and your children’s personal experiences with grief to deciding to write a book based on those experiences?

Judy:  I wrote my first book, “No Time to Grieve” because I love to write and had journaled during the early mourning period. As I finished that book, I realized that the loss of a parent had greatly impacted the lives of my children, both at the time of death and during the years following. I wanted to express that and offer a guide book to others experiencing such a loss, because a basic foundation in death, grief, and loss helps everyone to mourn completely and work toward healing. Usually, there isn’t enough help, enough comfort, and the process is hurried along, leaving residual grief issues for years to come. “A Child’s Grief” strives to clarify this and give solid information that can make a difference for grieving children in the future.

Tyler:  How does “A Child’s Grief” differ from “No Time to Grieve”?

Judy:  “No Time to Grieve” is a primer that gives survivors practical resources for handling the legal and financial paperwork that is required. The book also addresses the emotional and social aspects of grief, but it is simpler and more direct. “A Child’s Grief” has the underlying aspect of laying an educational foundation, with resources from professionals and survivors, as to the real problems faced by grieving children. I especially wanted to speak to the consequences of inadequate mourning and how this is a factor in many behavioral and personal issues for the child, both at the time of loss and well into adulthood.

Tyler:  Judy, would you tell us more about your children? How many do you have, how old were they when they lost their father, and how did their reactions vary?

Judy:  I have four children, two girls and two boys. The girls were 20 and 25 and the boys were 15 and 17. My oldest daughter was living and working in Wyoming and the others were still living at home, my daughter in junior college and the boys were a freshman and a junior in high school.

At the time, I was going to the hospital daily and taking one or more of the children with me. My husband went into the hospital right after Thanksgiving, so Christmas vacation started soon after and they were at home. They were quiet when in the room with their dad—he was in intensive care nearly the entire time—and couldn’t communicate with us. But we had a couple of family meetings with the staff, one in the middle of the night, to determine our course of action and they asked some questions. Greg, 17, was the most vocal and wanted more detailed information about his father’s condition and the options available. We were asked about a DNR—do not resuscitate—and were told the whole family had to agree. Everyone, including myself, were willing but Greg refused. He wanted to give it more time. He also had a more emotional reaction to his dad’s condition. There were tubes coming from his heart, head, and veins and he was on a ventilator, so it was a grim picture. My oldest daughter had come home for Christmas vacation (she was a school social worker) and was shocked to see her dad, and tried to relate to him and brighten his room with cards and drawings. For the most part, everyone was somber and bewildered because information just trickled down to us, and we were never sure exactly what was happening.

Tyler:  How does a child’s age affect his or her ability to deal with grief?

Judy:  Young children don’t understand the fact of death and its permanence, but feel the sadness of loss. Older children are aware that death is permanent and the pain of loss is acute and very grievous. If adults give regular support and assurance, and try to answer the child’s questions, a young child will begin to feel less fearful and confused. As children get older, there may be anger and acting out in response to the pain and upheaval in the family. Teenagers have more understanding and the verbal skills to ask questions, but are often reluctant to talk to adults, and their emotions may be very intent. They are more likely to demonstrate aggressive or delinquent behavior as a response to pain. Most children of school age experience a decline in both grades and attitude toward learning.

Tyler:  How old were you and your husband at the time of his loss? How do you think you might have handled it differently if your children had been grown or even simply older than they were?

Judy:  I was 50 and my husband 59. Had the children been grown, I would not have had to support everyone and could have devoted more time and energy to my own situation and future. The children may have been in a position to handle some of the responsibilities and decisions that fell to me. If they had just been a little older, they probably would have been in college instead of high school and the situation would not have differed much. The most significant difference for me would have been financial. I would have been able to save more of what we had in a 401k and life insurance and not had to rush into a different job situation to get an income and benefits. I liked the job I had, as a preschool teacher, that didn’t pay much but was more satisfying.

Tyler:  Judy, while some of the differences may be obvious, what is different about the loss of a parent compared to a grandparent for a child, especially since in most cases I would think a child’s first experience with death is the loss of a grandparent?

Judy:  That’s usually true. A child will most likely lose one or more of their grandparents first. But the grandparent is the extended family and, though beloved, is not responsible for the child’s daily care. Also, their friends are probably experiencing the death of grandparents and so it is anticipated. For a child, their parents are their whole world and when one dies, they feel abandoned, fearful, and anxious. When the grandparent dies, they feel sad, but usually not afraid for their own wellbeing.

Tyler:  When you began doing research for your book, did you expect to find that your and your children’s experience with grief would be typical, and were you surprised by various other responses and ways of coping with grief in other families?

Judy:  I did think our experiences were typical and, in fact, were, but I was surprised that other cultures and/or religions taught about death and grieving, rather than avoiding it, as we tend to do. The teaching is as much by example as by talking about the subjects, incorporating it into habits of comfort and support for friends and neighbors, and participating in community and public ways for services, funerals, and saying goodbye. Including this information in “A Child’s Grief” serves to give a frame of reference for making positive changes in the way we look at bereavement.

Tyler:  When a child loses a parent, what is the process of grief and of help a child needs to experience? Can you walk us through from the parent’s death to bringing a child to therapy or understanding if he or she needs therapy?

Judy:  First of all, the child needs comfort and to be told the truth. Age appropriate explanations are important, for example, a difficult death needn’t be discussed in detail, but a simple explanation respects the child’s need to know what has happened to that parent. Sharing this loss with grieving adults is also important, with assurance, and talking about how everyone feels. Exploring questions and ideas of acceptance as time passes keeps people connected.

If the child has extreme emotions, exhibits very aggressive or very withdrawn behavior, ask the pediatrician or family doctor for advice and a recommendation. A therapist and/or children’s grief group may be in order. Children usually do well in a group with peers and should be encouraged to talk openly with other family members. The actual process has no specific time frame or particular pattern, but within the first year there is usually significant healing and growth.

Tyler:  Will you tell us about the research you did for the book? For example, how did you compile the interviews and other research included in the book?

Judy:  The first interviews were from my own children. They had written down what they remembered about the circumstances of their father’s illness and death, and how they thought it affected their lives a few years later. What they wrote surprised me and I decided to find others who had stories to tell. I just listened, asked a few questions, and recorded what they said. My library research was focused on the studies and findings of professional educators, psychologists, and sociologists whose work was specifically in the field of grief, loss, and recovery. As I read, I realized there were threads and patterns that gave a clear picture of the need for better knowledge and understanding of this whole issue. The general consensus was that much more education and involvement is needed.

Tyler:  You talk a lot in the book about the need to talk to children about death and grief. What are the issues involved with not talking about it or repressing grief?

Judy:  Avoiding the facts and feelings of grief result in unresolved issues, unanswered questions, and a lingering sense of abandonment that is usually expressed in withdrawal or aggressive behavior. The child is preoccupied with deep sadness, fear, bewilderment, and anger, and cannot move forward and experience healing and peace. This can last for many years, resulting in failure to reach goals, emotional detachment, and unfulfilled lives.

Tyler:  Judy, while answering children’s questions, how truthful should you be? Do you tell the child the parent is gone to heaven or a better place? What is an appropriate way of explaining death to the child?

Judy:  Each family tells children what they believe from their own belief system, whether spiritual or not, but usually the explanations are too vague and general. You should be truthful about the fact that the person is not coming back, and that we are very sad because we can no longer see or talk with them. We must say goodbye and remember them by talking fondly about the person and devoting some time to making a memorial that reminds us of our loved one. Tangible memorials are important to children because they think concretely. If you believe you will see the person sometime, it’s important that you don’t give false hope that this might happen here on earth. The spiritual belief of God and heaven can be included, but the emphasis should be on the tragedy of loss, and that our feelings of sadness and loneliness are just how they should be for the moment. Children focus on the here and now, and can’t really grasp being reunited with their loved ones in the future. They will ask questions about where, when, how, and why, and adults should give the best answer they can, rather than simply say they don’t know. Assure them that we will always remember this person but that we can learn to accept their death and gradually feel happy and at peace once more.

Tyler:  How involved in the formal part of grief should the child be? Should children attend the funeral services or do you feel they are too young until a certain age? Can the child somehow be included in the planning so he or she does not feel neglected during what often becomes a large and stressful family event?

Judy:  Children can participate in services if their culture or religion indicates it, or if the surviving parent feels the child will benefit by participating. Children under the age of 6 or 7, who aren’t attending, should have it explained to them where everyone is going and what will take place. It’s possible a very young child could go to the funeral for a short time to see what is happening, then have a sitter in another room for the service. Where the funeral or memorial service takes place may indicate the choices here. Every child, including teenagers, should have the service explained to them, the what and why, and they should be asked what their feelings are about attending. If they have fears and apprehension, try to answer questions but don’t insist that anyone attend who is very uncomfortable about it.

If a child wants to say goodbye in a special way, such as giving a flower or putting a stuffed animal on the casket, or reciting a poem, this should be allowed. An adult can help a small child. Teenagers may want to participate and clergy or the funeral director can help determine how to accomplish this.

Children should understand that services are for saying goodbye, for people to comfort one another, and that it’s our way to acknowledge that this person’s life mattered.

Tyler:  What kind of grieving process does a child go through and how long are the various stages of it? Is it different from an adult’s grieving process? Is it harder for a child to recover from a death or are children more resilient than adults?

Judy:  There isn’t a specific process or time frame, but the sense of abandonment and fear lessens as the child sees that the adults in his/her life are managing. Children particularly fear the loss of the other parent, and they fear they will forget the parent that has died. As daily life returns to a regular pattern and appropriate changes are made that give stability to the family, the child relaxes and begins to enjoy the things that were pleasurable before the death. Usually school work suffers for a time, and the child loses interest in hobbies and friendships. These pick up and a sense of acceptance develops. All this takes place over the first few months, and by the end of the first year, the child may be feeling much better.

The child’s process isn’t really different from an adult’s except that the child lacks the understanding to help himself and relies on adults to inform the process and give continual comfort that leads to healing. Talking about school, feelings and social issues, and remembering the deceased parent in some tangible way eases the fears and gives the child something positive to plan. A personal legacy, such as a memory book, a garden, or a memorial gift is a reminder that this person mattered and is missed.

I don’t think children have a harder or easier time. It really depends on the child and the adults in her life.

Tyler:  Of course, no one expects to die as a young adult and leave behind their children or their spouse. How important is it for people to make a will and arrangements for their children in case of one or both parents’ deaths? I would think not having to worry about such things at the time of death would make the grieving process easier?

Judy:  It’s extremely important to have the legal and financial papers in order. A will or trust and guardian arrangements for children should be a top priority. Unfortunately, most people put it off. My husband didn’t have a will, so I had to go to probate court because I had minor children and we owned property. I had to hire a lawyer, list everything I owned, including furniture, car, any valuables, and investments and appear before a judge who would determine whether I could support these children. I learned very quickly that this aspect of grief—taking care of business—was a daunting job and undermined the time and energy I needed to devote to grieving. I had to locate birth certificates, marriage license, financial statements, and other legal documents that I knew nothing about. I would sit at the kitchen table and think, “When do they let you cry?” That’s how “No Time to Grieve” got its title.

Funeral directors have told me that this is the biggest headache for people during the bereavement period. I finally wrote a seminar I gave called, “Getting Your Affairs in Order.” I emphasize to people the need to have their documents in place, regardless of your age, because, tragically, sometimes you lose someone who is young.

Tyler:  Judy, I understand you have since remarried. How did remarrying affect your children and even your relationship with your deceased husband? A lot of children experience divorced parents remarrying, but how does death differ from divorce in this way?

Judy:  I was single for sixteen years so my remarriage was a happy occasion for myself and my family. I had reached a point where my memories were warm and tender, but I felt healed and ready to move forward.

I’m not sure how remarriage of a divorced parent affects children, except that they still have two biological parents plus a step-parent, and so that would impact the whole family dynamic.

Tyler:  Judy, can you sum up for us what ultimately you hope readers will come to understand as a result of reading “A Child’s Grief”?

Judy:  I hope we, as a society, realize the necessity of addressing this important issue and begin to treat it in a more open and comfortable manner. Death knocks on every door and when it does, the better informed we are, the better we can handle its impact and help others to be comforted, and work toward genuine and complete healing.

Individuals, families, and society will benefit when we face our fears and discomfort and simply reach out to one another. It’s really about listening, caring, and responding, not trying to “get over” it. Grief is coming to terms with a loss that is essentially unbearable but must be accepted.

Tyler:  Thank you for allowing me to interview you today, Judy. Before we go, can you tell us about your website and what additional information readers can find there about “A Child’s Grief: Surviving the Death of a Parent”?

Judy:  Thank you for this interview and giving me the chance to speak for our most precious citizens. My website, www.achildsgrief.com, was designed to give visitors a glimpse of who I am, both as a survivor and as a writer and teacher. The first chapter of “A Child’s Grief” may be read there, and relevant information about other books and products dealing with grief and loss as well can be seen.